Options
by i-am-a-nerdfighter
Summary: Post "Special Education." Rachel ponders her current disaster and what she should do about it.  T for a couple of curses


**A/N: I know everyone's angsting about Finchel, but I had to get this out of my system before the next episode. I wish RyMurphs/Falchuk had not made it so, but they broke up and there has to be a reason for my two faves to make such crazy mistakes. Let's just cross our fingers for the Christmas episode, shall we? Reviews are encouraged but not compulsory!**

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She supposes she should move on now that Finn has kicked her out of his life.

She doesn't want to.

But she hadn't wanted to move on when Jesse tried to enchant her—he was just very good at the art of persuasion. Maybe it had helped a little bit to see Finn's fallen face when she told she had a new boyfriend. It hadn't been all about him. It_ hadn't_.

She wants to stop reliving her happy moments with Finn, knowing that they're all she has left. She _could_ spend the rest of forever remembering the time they went to the lake and his vice-like grip on her hand unceremoniously dragged her in the water and they'd spent hours lying under a tree holding each other. She'd said _I love you_ for the first time.

But no. It was detrimental to her sanity to dwell on such occasions.

She wonders if she could maybe entice the fancy of Mike Chang. His dancing is impeccable, and there was that short time when he may have had a crush on her (sources are still unclear). She wouldn't do that to Tina, though. She wishes she and Tina could be better friends, but that seems impossible at this point. Everyone in Glee thinks her to be an evil solo-stealer, despite her generosity this year. She guesses that people's perceptions will really never change.

She would try to capture Artie, but his heart lies with Brittany, who seems… something when she's with him. Less stupid? Less cruel? She doesn't know, but she has no intention of destroying that union. Plus, Artie finds her irritating. _So does everyone_.

Sam might be an easy catch. Any girl would be demented to try to steal Quinn Fabray's man… but she's done it before, hasn't she? And Quinn isn't pregnant this time.

She plans it out. She would offer to help Sam with his range (much like the time she locked Matt and Mike in the choir room and forced them to run scales until they were perfect), and he would refuse out of loyalty to Quinn. She would avert her eyes to the floor, tuck her hair behind her ear, and say she understands. _I just thought you wanted to do the duet at Regionals_, she would say. It would work because one taste of spotlight always leaves people begging for more.

She would wear a low-cut dress, pull off her cardigan because it was too hot, deliberately drop sheet music. She would work in how inane she found the idea of celibacy. Perpetual sweetheart as he is, he would defend her when Quinn accused her of foul play, insisting that she was only trying to help. _She's really nice_, he'd say. _You're way too hard on her._ It would be so easy, really, to make Sam Evans fall for her. When they were united, she would kiss him in the hallway, and give Quinn or Santana a pointed look, as if to say, _I can get whomever I want. _

(Maybe it wouldn't be so easy. Maybe her imagination needs it to be so easy).

She knows this would hurt Finn. She knows that Finn feigns confidence, but admitted to her that he is jealous of Sam's washboard abs and is worried that Sam might try to steal the quarterback position from him. When he voiced these concerns, she edged her hand under his shirt and stroked his stomach. She said that abs were overrated and her boyfriend is the hottest boy in school and perfect just the way he is. His breath shuddered and he flattened her on the bed in a grateful kiss. She got to do some chest-exploring of her own that night.

If she really wanted to hurt Finn, she would tack up a picture of Jesse St. James in her locker and announce to the glee club that she had forgiven him. Because he apologized and fought for her, which _someone_ had failed to do.

But she had already hurt Finn, and she was loath to do it again. It had hurt her right back—before he had broken up with her—just thinking about the fact that she had tried to do him wrong.

When Puck had showed up at her house, it wasn't to try anything. He felt bad for her: because her perfect relationship was on the rocks, because Quinn and Santana had stolen her spotlight, because no one in glee (not even Mercedes or Tina) was defending her. She didn't know what she had done wrong, so she munched on the (hopefully vegan) homemade latkes that Puck had brought over. Hanukah was starting soon, anyway. Puck asked her if she wanted to sing about her feelings. He really knew her too well.

After she's done belting out her sadness, he told her plainly, "Santana may be the motherfucking goddess of hotness, but she ain't got nothing on your voice."

So she kissed him. Finn hadn't told her that she was better than Santana in any way. He hadn't even said he _liked_ her better than Santana, let alone say, "I love you," in the past couple of days. If he could have a facetious affair, couldn't she?

Puck, showing impeccable moral fiber, stopped her about 15 seconds in. He knew it was wrong. He knew an eye for an eye was no way to treat people. Why didn't she?

Still, it seemed that Puck was the only one she could trust. After Finn had broken up with her, he came over again. They walked up to her room so she could keep crying.

"_You okay?" he asked. _

"_No. Never again. My heart has been ripped in two," she stated. _

"_I know, I know. I'm sorry I came over in the first place." He seemed truly repentant. His actions towards women have never been courteous, but it seemed as though he wants to amend for his mistakes with her. _

"_It's okay. I was not thinking clearly." She sniffed. There was no way Finn would every get past her mistake and love her. She would be forever alone. _

"_I know. It's just…" He took her hands in his. "We could try being together. I remember you said it made people think I was more human." He smiled._

_She surveyed him: his adorable smile, his lovely arms, his careless demeanor. Yes, she could certainly fall in love with Noah Puckerman. She would have to pretend as if Finn Hudson had never existed, but it could happen. Of course, it would hurt all the more when she found out that he had satisfied his sexual needs from Santana Lopez or Quinn Fabray. "Noah, you're very sweet… but we can't be a couple. We don't work. I annoy you, and you would turn to Santana, and eventually Quinn, whom I know you still care for. I don't think you want to be with me. I think you want to give me a way to make Finn jealous, but I simply can't do that again. I want us to be friends. I need one of those right now. Please." _

_She looked at him with her biggest sad eyes, and he relented and released her hands. "Yeah, I can't be committed like you and Finn were. Boy was _whipped._ I'm surprised you didn't start doing his nails." _

_She giggled. She knew he would be a good ally (with Kurt, who was lucky because he was at Dalton Academy). "But will he every forgive me?"_

"_Love's kind of a big deal. He totally will." _

_She smiled. _

In truth, she only wants Finn. He's all she's wanted since he joined glee.

She is just so _scared_ that she's not going to be enough for him. She took their relationship slowly so it would last as long as possible. She knows that he would eventually grow tired of her inexpert caresses eager-but-awkward hips. She's a fantastic kisser (embarrassingly, Jesse gave her lessons), but she doesn't know how to pull past that. She found that well-placed kisses around his collar bone will make him tense in the most intimate of ways, and he sometimes seemed as terrified as she was by all of the _possibilities_.

Then she finds out that Finn has already had the most expert evil witch in the world, and she's sure she could never measure up.

But she wants Finn back _so badly_. She wants it to be him who hesitantly slips his hand up her shirt and lays his long fingers over her breast. She wants to explore his body as he explores hers when she is _finally_ ready to take the final step. She tingles simply thinking about it.

Finn Hudson has ended their relationship—and it's not as though she doesn't have options. But Rachel Berry does not give up that easy.


End file.
